Sunday, August 28, 2011

1 month anniversary

Last night marks the 1 month anniversary since I last saw Robi living on this earth. He was comfortably sleeping, though in a coma, he seemed strong and getting much needed rest. His monitored stats were really good and the doctors had even lowered his medication level allowing his lungs to do a little more work on their own. I was with Amber in the hospital as we talked about life and how we wanted to become better people, mothers, wives. She spoke and I listened, amazed and uplifted, as always.

We then talked about Robi's next steps in treatment. I was going to call a few doctors the next morning regarding alternative treatments and what was possible during his current hospital stay. We thought we could possibly get him some alternative cancer treatment while in his coma??? I would have called the next morning, had I been given that much more time. I left at midnight and as I left, Rob's sister had just gotten to town from Arizona and wanted to come see him. She met Amber and I at the door.

Rob was doing good when I left but I did notice there were a lot of hospital staff coming in his room that night, more than usual. His stats were good but they were concerned about his kidneys because he hadn't urinated much. While I was there, he was a given a shot to help induce urination... (which usually helps! A few days prior when I was he there he got the shot and he had to go right away, and then again, and again. :) But his shot that night didn't seem to do anything. It's hard to write the things I felt that night but I want to try because I'm hoping this blog will be printed one day, and Amber, and her girls, will find comfort in remembering these events. And what it felt like, from my perspective - the outside looking in. Amber called me about 1:30 am. I had just gotten home from the hospital and was getting in to bed. When I saw her name on the caller ID, my stomach sank. I knew she wouldn't call me at this time of night for any other reason. Jeff and I jumped out of bed and drove to the hospital. It took about 35 minutes to get there. I didn't ask questions when she called so I didn't know exactly what was happening. She told me to come, so we did. When we got there and I saw them sitting outside of his room crying, I still didn't know. To see Amber in such pain made me break down. I remember hugging her, still hoping there was a chance. Peggy was sitting next to us and she was making a phone call. She told the person on the other end that Robi had passed. The words knocked my breath away. NO!! It couldn't have happened. I just couldn't believe it. He was fine an hour ago!

We walked into his room, all of us weak in the knees. Alan literally almost fell over. I fell in the hall a few times and Jeff held me up. I really don't know how to describe how it felt to see him laying there. It was a peaceful sight to know his battle was over, there was no more suffering for him, but a heartbreaking experience to know we were left here on earth without him. We scooted him over and Amber lay next to him, holding him, talking to him, kissing him. I still can barely comprehend the emotion in that room. I'd rather not re-live it but on the other hand, maybe its something his girls will want to know. To know how their mother loved their father. To sit and watch her with him. She needed him. She wanted him. She would've, without any hesitation, given her life to bring him back. She was so scared and kept asking him how she was going to tell their girls that he wasn't coming home. She was so worried about their girls. As Jeff and I watched, and Julia Peterson, she made us promise to never fight with each other. We had to promise to love and appreciate each other. I felt so guilty to have Jeff with me.

I'm so glad it has been a month already. Amber has experienced the worst day that life can possibly give her, and she survived it. She will never go through that again. From that day forward, her heart can heal. It is a very slow process, but it is healing. Not forgetting him, not getting over him, (that will never happen), but adjusting to life without his physical presence. She has told me how she is envious of elderly people because they'll get to see Robi again soon.

On the 1 month anniversary of her father's passing, Joslyn started the first day of 3rd grade. Its a time of new beginnings. Lets appreciate the blessings we have right now. Planning for the future is good, but lets live in the NOW. Love those around you for who they are right now, not who you want them to become. Appreciate the home, the car, the job, that you have now - not the one you dream of having in the future. Spend a few extra minutes appreciating the family members in your life. Tell them you love them. Make this a new beginning in all of our lives to love more and laugh often.


  1. Lindsay,

    Thanks for sharing this. It serves as a great reminder to live the best life we can TODAY for who knows what tomorrow will bring.

    Big hugs to you and the Grimshaws!

  2. Lindsay- I so appreciate hearing your point of view and being reminded of these feelings. I've thought of Amber and Joslyn all day... how hard those 'firsts' are. In a strange way it is comforting to hear of her climbing in bed with him as that's what I did when I was left alone to say goodbye to my mom, who had already passed away. I felt ashamed or embarrassed by that memory and only recently shared it. I don't have a lot of words to share, only yours to echo. As I faced my various trials and circumstances and been reminded through Robi's...I have really come to appreciate and value the every move we make, every moment we have, the ability to do the chores we don't want to do, the tenacity of someone to fight for a medical diagnosis etc etc. I only hope that if and when I find myself in a similar situation that I will find myself surrounded by the type of amazing friends Amber and Robi have been.

  3. thanks so much for sharing such a personal experience. i can't believe it's been a month.

  4. That was a beautiful story! Robi and Amber's journey has changed my life, and I will honestly never be the same. Thank you for sharing!